Each year we get a real tree for Christmas. I love it, the smell, the ‘full’ look and the fact that I don’t have to spend 30-40 minutes separating the fake branches. It does mean we wait a little later into December to get it so that the tree hasn’t lost all of its needles by Christmas day. When it comes to decorating it we usually wait for the girls to go to bed and then it is left up to me. Any by ‘left up to me’ I mean hubby helps unravel the lights and then stays out of may way because I can get a little crazy. I go full on ‘Monica Gellar’ with the decorating, everything has to be perfect. If money were no object I would hire a professional to come in and decorate it for me, but since I don’t live in Mayfair I shall crack on and do the thing myself! This year, however, much to my dismay Pinky is going to have to be included in the decorating process, she is so excited I don’t have the heart to exclude her, and besides, what harm could it do? Well only time will really tell but I’m hoping because I am expecting it I will be mentally prepared to deal with the inevitable emotional trauma my OCD is about to endure! In an attempt to ‘cope’ I have broken down the whole day into sections so I can take each one at a time.
Stage 1: Pick the Tree
- Remember we don’t live in a mansion and put back the 9ft tree.
- Accept that 6ft will probably still need trimming down, perhaps 5ft would be better?
- Get the 6ft tree anyway which causes Hubby to become disgruntled; he knows he will be trimming it down.
- Pay the staff and try and avoid the girls seeing all the sparkly decorations on sale, we have enough already!
- Try and get the tree in the car, one day we will remember to put the seats down in advance.
Stage 2: Putting the Tree Up
- Find the stand.
- Hope that all the feet and bolts are intact from last year (there is always one missing!)
- Start to unwrap the tree.
- STOP!!! The tree is easier to put up if it is still wrapped.
- Get hubby to hold the tree up so I can judge if it is straight or not.
- Start tightening up the bolts.
- Remember checking if it was straight was irrelevant because now the bolts have moved the whole damn thing anyway!
- Readjust gently so it is actually straight.
- Allow the blood flow to return to your arms and hands for a moment.
Stage 3: The Lights
- Get the lights out of their box.
- Allow Hubby to exclaim loudly that we both ensured last year they were ‘put away in a nice tidy manner so how on earth are they in such a f****ng tangled mess now?’
- Assure him there is no such thing as a Christmas Light Imp that lives in the loft whos sole purpose is tangling the lights to upset p@*s him off.
- Plug the lights in *fingers crossed.
- Bugger! How do they not work!
- Off to local supermarket for cheapest set we can find (this might be why they don’t work after a year).
- Rush home to take lights out of the box. How do they pack them in so nicely? Take note of packing knowing full well I will never be able to recreate it… But I will try!
- Plug in lights.
- YES! They work, thank f@*k goodness for that.
- Start putting lights onto the tree. Bottom to top/top to bottom, which is best?
- Spend the next half an hour trying to make the lights look evenly spread and not all clumped at the bottom. Why are there so many there?
Stage 4: The Decorations
- Get the biggest box of decorations known to man down from the loft (what in the name of Christmas is in here anyway?)
- Forget it is nowhere near as heavy as it looks and nearly launch it through the roof as I pick it up.
- Look inside and mourn the day I had to throw out my expensive glass ornaments once the children came along.
- Quickly get over myself when I remember how much it annoys Hubby that I put a Tinkerbell fairy on top of the tree and chuckle cackle loudly.
- Try and gently persuade a three year old that you can’t put all of the baubles on one
- Nor can you put all of the gold ones together.
- Or all of the red ones together.
- No, Santa cannot sit on the reindeer decoration.
- No, Mummy isn’t cross.
- Yes, Mummy does like wine.
- Fine! Put Tinkerbell on the tree!
- Oh look at how late it is…. Time for bed!
- Strip the tree of all decorations.
- Pour second, ok, third glass of wine.
- Start again.
Stage 5: The Finished Product
- Look at how pretty it is.
- Reward myself with a large Gin.
Thank you Hubby for staying out of the way, I think it saves our marriage every year 😉