I know it is nearly time for you to set off in your sleigh and deliver all the magical gifts to the sleeping children. The excitement this year seems more electric than usual. That may be because Ellie really understands it all this year.
We are all eagerly awaiting Christmas Eve. We will be sat tracking you across the globe as our own bedtime approaches. I don’t doubt that we will all wake a few times in the night and strain our ears to hear any hint of reindeer hooves on rooftops or jingle bells in the distance.
I don’t usually write to you myself. Understandably I save it for the kids as my magic passed many years ago. But this year I feel the need to write you a letter.
I have been good this year. In fact this has probably been my best year for a long time. I am tired but now it is toddler tired and not baby tired. For me that is a bit easier to cope with. Granted I have lost my temper more times than I can count (I’m sure you have the total tallied up somewhere) but I have tried very hard to only loose it when really necessary. My patience has greatly improved although some weeks it doesn’t feel like it but I’m trying to look at the bigger picture.
The school run was such a shock to the system but I have embraced it and I even made friends which wasn’t something I thought would happen very easily.
This year I have tried to help my girls develop, I have given them as much of me as I could. So now we get to the point of my letter. What I hope for now I have tried to improve myself this past year.
I am the first to admit I am a very material person. I like my designer shoes and of course I would like lots more. There is plenty of things on my material gift list that I would be thrilled to get. The Olympus Pen camera I have been drooling over for months; the blog planner I dream of owning. In years gone by I have been truly spoilt with gifts.
Some years I honestly believe I have been the luckiest person in the world at Christmas. My dream replacement engagement ring because I lost the original one three weeks before the wedding (what a prize prat!); Adobe Photoshop because Hubby supports my surprisingly time consuming hobbies; brand new rose gold GHD straighteners because my original ones were old (and a potential fire hazard, lets be honest).
But this year I don’t want anything ‘material’ for myself. All I want is time. Ok, so I know that time is probably the most valuable thing in the world and I get that I am asking for a huge favour here but that is all I want. Time.
I want time to myself. All by myself. I was always happy in my own company and now I don’t get any time to be by myself, to gather my thoughts and to complete what I am thinking about. Ellie may be at school and Hubby at work but I have Trixie with me 24/7. Whilst I love my children with all my heart, all that patience I have been building up this year, all that time I have spent giving myself to my children as much as I can is soon going to mean very little because I can feel it diminishing. Truly. I can genuinely feel it escaping from my chest with each minute that passes. I am constantly interrupted; constantly being asked for something; constantly being whinged at.
I know I can not be the best version of me if I don’t get the gift of time. Some may say I should ask for time to go slower. To be able to enjoy the children whilst they are young for a little longer. And perhaps I should. But I am not a huge believer in miracles and in my opinion that happing would be a miracle. Plus I don’t dread them growing older, in fact the idea of what the future may hold for us is exciting. So instead I am simply asking for a gift of time I think you can deliver. I want the chance to be by myself on a semi regular basis. An hour or so here and there. Maybe once a month to have a morning, or afternoon, on my lonesome. Not a sudden surprise of time, but a planned rest. Something I can spend all week looking forward to. Something to aim for.
I understand that some people would do anything for some company, and I hope they can get that for Christmas. I am also aware that you should be very careful what you wish for. But I have spent a long time thinking about this and I am quite sure that all I really want for Christmas this year is time. Time to be by myself. Just for a little while. Time to miss the voices of my children and to crave a cuddle again rather than constantly feeling touched out.
I am being careful with what I am wishing for because this wish will help give my children and husband everything they wish for. Me. The best version of Me.