I Am Me – Hear Me Roar

Each day in this world as a human has its own individual challenges. Then when you add parenting into it all everything becomes even harder. You are no longer just in charge of yourself; you have people that depend on you… for everything.  Of course that is par for the course so why am I surprised? Well I’m not really but I am surprised at the toll it has taken on my emotional wellbeing. I feel constantly drained, constantly tired even when I have slept and constantly on the verge of a grumpy mood. I feel like I have lost myself; so who am I now?

Ellie is nearly four now so in essence I haven’t felt ‘myself’ for four years (more if you count the soul destroying pregnancy I endured). When she was born I was over the moon, we didn’t struggle to bond but I was still in a pretty dark place. Leaving her was unimaginable but in the interest of maintaining some form of marriage I did leave her to go out for dinner. Over the years I have left the girls more and more and now I don’t really bat and eyelid about it. Often I can be found practically catapulting them at my Mother in Law so I can have some time to myself or with Hubby. I don’t even feel guilty about it anymore, not even when they pull out the crocodile tears. Long ago I came to terms with the fact that having some time without them made being with them even more special and, to be perfectly, brutally honest, some weeks it made it bearable. My girls are good girls, but one has only just come out of the terrible two’s and threenager stage and the other one is running into it so hard I’m pretty sure she is going to emerge out the other side with concussion. I need some time away from them or I would feel even more unhinged than normal *twitches slightly.

Yummy

The other way I keep myself sane and try to claw back a bit of ‘myself’ is I don’t talk about them much. Yes they are my blog focus mostly; yes they are my Instagram focus. But in real life they are not my main topic of conversation. I have always struggled to strike up conversations with other mums at playgroups and the park because all the ones that seem to gravitate towards me want to discuss the ins and outs of their little ones developmental stage. I honestly couldn’t tell you what stage either of the girls are at. I couldn’t tell you how many teeth Trixie still has to break and the only reason I know they aren’t all through is because she still has visible gaps. I couldn’t tell you how many words she can say or how many letters Ellie can actually write. Only that they can speak and Ellie seems to be able to write just fine for her age.

It isn’t that I don’t care because of course I do. It is simply that I refuse to define myself and my whole day by them.

Family

I have a very good memory. Honestly its freaky the amount of tiny details I can remember. Stuff I have been told once 5 years ago is lodged in there.   If I had utilised this effectively at University I could have been dangerous (or simply successful perhaps) so, at risk of sounding rude, I don’t want to know what someone else’s child is doing/not doing because I will bloody remember! It will take up valuable brain space would could be better served! So generally I only ask questions I actually want to know the answer to. I think you can learn something from everyone you meet and while a little small talk is great I like to think people can learn more from talking to me than when my daughters both said their first words.

The trouble is I have noticed recently that I am pushing so hard against the Mother side of me I am forgetting to embrace it. I am forgetting it is ok to be needed, it is ok to be wanted, it is ok to pause and appreciate the beautiful children that I (ok we) made! It is ok to cry and be frustrated but that doesn’t mean I am not happy. It is ok to feel a little lost, I have never done this before, we are all learning. It is ok to need comfort and it is ok to on occasion need to be left the hell alone. It is ok to just ‘be’.

So who am I? I am a Mother; I am a Wife; I am a Woman and I am strong. I am Me – Hear me roar!

Kirsty

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59 Comments

  1. February 18, 2017 / 8:34 am

    Great post lovely. It’s easy to get lost in it all isn’t it. Have you ever listened to the song by Helen Reddy – I Am Woman? If not, go look at it on You Tube, learn the words and sing it loud and proud! 👌🏼 #fortheloveofBLOG

  2. February 18, 2017 / 11:35 pm

    This is a womderful post. We all need that little break away from our kids, like you said it keeps us sane. Motherhood is just one part of who we are.
    #fortheloveofBLOG

    • Winnettes
      February 20, 2017 / 5:06 pm

      I’m glad you could relate. If I couldn’t have a bit of time on my own I would crack I think. I respect but don’t understand mums that don’t leave their children

  3. February 20, 2017 / 11:05 am

    So beautifully and eloquently put my lovely. You do so well top focus on the other aspects of yourself other than mummy so that you are still you – I’m such a huge advocate of this but to embrace motherhood too is so important – you are a mother forever but its role will take so many forms – I remember having these feelings when mine were small and it’s only now, that they are older, that I wish I’d been more mummy – it goes so quickly that before you know it you are you again as a different type of mummy all over again – I’ve tried hard not to fight it! Really enjoyed this post! #BigPinkLink

    • Winnettes
      February 20, 2017 / 5:12 pm

      Thank you so much, I’m glad you liked it. I am finding the emotional balance between being me and mummy very hard. But also realising this is all me! I don’t doubt for a moment that the time goes so fast. There have been so many changes in the last 6 months I can already see a lot of what I found hard has disappeared for the most part and now new challenges are facing me. Bring it on I say, I just hope I find that balance on a regular basis. Xxx

  4. February 20, 2017 / 12:31 pm

    This is right on the mark! I literally feel as though I could have written every word myself. Being a parent is a part of who we are, but it is not who we are entirely. Loved reading this. x #BigPinkLink

    • Winnettes
      February 20, 2017 / 5:13 pm

      I’m glad you could relate lovely x

  5. February 20, 2017 / 10:34 pm

    This really resonated with me, I really felt like I ‘lost myself’ for the fist 2 years of motherhood and when our 2nd came along I really needed to get me back. Since then I’ve been doing a lot of things you mention (unfortunately though I don’t have any family nearby to look after the littles but my office job serves well to give me the break I need and time with adults!!). Really really love your honesty in this post!! Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x

    • Winnettes
      February 21, 2017 / 1:16 pm

      I’m really pleased you could relate. I miss work for the adult company but always really appreciate any help my family can offer. I know I am lucky to have them X

  6. February 21, 2017 / 1:00 pm

    Well said. I know exactly what you mean. It sometimes seems that other mums I meet don’t have this feeling. It’s good to know I’m not alone! #DreamTeam

    • Winnettes
      February 21, 2017 / 1:17 pm

      Thank you, no you certainly are not alone!

  7. February 21, 2017 / 6:11 pm

    Yes! You’re right, we are all so much more than mothers. Striking the balance can be hard. Like you, I hate conversations with other people which is dominated by the kids every ins and outs! #bigpinklink x

    • Winnettes
      February 23, 2017 / 2:37 pm

      I’m glad i’m not the only one! I struggle to find my own kids that interesting some days let alone someone elses 😉

  8. February 23, 2017 / 10:09 am

    It’s easy to loose yourself in Motherhood. It’s funny but my mummy found herself after having me x #DreamTeam #Sharingthebloglove

    • Winnettes
      February 23, 2017 / 2:38 pm

      Awwww thats lovely!! Your mummy is very lucky.

  9. February 23, 2017 / 10:23 am

    It is so easy to get lost in motherhood. Sounds like you’re doing just fine.
    And I love the picture of you and your girls.
    #familyfun

  10. February 23, 2017 / 10:52 am

    Lovely post – I agree totally. In the almost 11 years of being a Mum – I have had no time away from it – at all! It all changes once they start school and you start getting more time to do other things. Sarah #sharingthebloglove

    • Winnettes
      February 23, 2017 / 2:39 pm

      I’m hoping school helps, not that I am wishing the time away and I know it will come with it’s own challenges. Just a small respite would be nice.

  11. February 23, 2017 / 11:03 am

    It is so easy to loose yourself to motherhood. But it is worth to keep on fighting for “yourself”. #stayclassymama

    • Winnettes
      February 23, 2017 / 2:40 pm

      A little bit of ‘me’ just helps with the inevitable bad days of parenting. Without it I think life would be harder emotionally.

  12. February 23, 2017 / 7:46 pm

    I’m lost. I know I am. It’s hard. I’m not even sure how I would go about spending me time. It’s still early days though, there’s time yet. I really like this post, thanks. X #stayclassymama

    • Winnettes
      February 24, 2017 / 9:32 am

      There is time. The early days are really hard but it does get easier with time. There is light at the end of that tunnel. I know my light is getting brighter and brighter.x

  13. February 23, 2017 / 8:37 pm

    I sometimes feel like my life is split into two sections; me before kids, and me after. Sometimes I think the old me is a total stranger? It’s a strange one, but I think I prefer the new me…
    I love the ethos of this post, and whoever I am, I’m proud of me and mine. Roar.
    Thanks for sharing with #coolmumclub

    • Winnettes
      February 24, 2017 / 9:32 am

      I think I prefer the new me too. Motherhood has changed me in many good ways but certainly a little time to be able to appreciate that would be nice 😉

  14. February 23, 2017 / 8:56 pm

    This post is brilliant! You have so eloquently voiced what I have felt, but not articulated: ‘I am pushing so hard against the Mother side of me I am forgetting to embrace it.’ I was like you when mine were small – I hated hearing to other mums at toddler groups going on and on about their kids. I rarely mentioned mine when we were out with other adults – only if I was directly asked about them. But I don’t think that this means that you aren’t embracing motherhood. I just think it means you have a healthy view on it and on your relationship with your daughters and your role in their lives. As they grow older your relationship will continue to grow in a healthy, non-demanding way with them and they will benefit from that. Alison x (Gorgeous photo btw) #coolmumclub

    • Winnettes
      February 24, 2017 / 9:37 am

      Thank you so much for this comment. I’m pleased I am not the only one and perhaps you are right and I am seeing it from the wrong perspective. Of course I wouldn’t change my life for anything but it is hard to be a mum who doesn’t like talking about their kids in a world of competitive mums, mumsy mums and earth mums. I think I should set up an alternative toddler group…. 😉

  15. February 24, 2017 / 9:53 am

    My kids are older and my life is not so focused around them now but I do remember what it’s like and it’s so important to take time out just to be you. I always found a girls night out with lots of vodka helped 😉
    #Blogcrush

    • Winnettes
      February 26, 2017 / 12:57 pm

      I strongly suspect a vodka filled girls night would certainly help 😉 x

  16. February 24, 2017 / 10:14 am

    I love this so so much! So great to see so many women embracing themselves and their self identity as Mothers! Amazing <3 #coolmumclub

    • Winnettes
      February 26, 2017 / 12:58 pm

      Thank you! I think it about time we take back this womanhood/motherhood thing! X

  17. February 24, 2017 / 12:10 pm

    Finding that balance in motherhood is such a difficult one to get right, I think it’s a constant rebalancing of the scales. I definitely lost myself when I became a mum, and I do think that’s probably inevitable in those early days (and for me I would say about 18 months), when you just have to keep on ploughing to get through it all. But I love that I’ve reclaimed the hobbies I love and can grab some time for me lately. It really is so important. Of course, I suspect I’m about to go crashing back to losing myself again when the new baby comes along, but hopefully this time I’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel a bit more clearly. Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Winnettes
      February 26, 2017 / 1:02 pm

      I agree with the 18 month mark, I think that is a huge turning point where the light starts to show itself. I went through it with Trix, loosing myself all over again. It is easier the second time because you know that it will get easier, and before they are old enough to leave home 😉

  18. February 24, 2017 / 8:38 pm

    Hurrah for this! I think that my two are exactly the same age as yours and I often stop and wonder who the hell I am now once you strip away the baby wipes and the rucksack full of toot! Every once in a while though I sneak in a little night out and I get a glimpse of the person I used to be and it’s enlightening to know that she’s still in there somewhere. I applaud you for keeping a sense of self through it all as I think it’s so important. Brilliant post. Thanks for sharing with #DreamTeam x

    • Winnettes
      February 26, 2017 / 1:03 pm

      Thank you! I’m glad you can relate, those little nights out give just enough of a glimpse to know everything will be alright in the end x

  19. February 25, 2017 / 3:43 pm

    Beautiful post, we all need to stop and take pride in ourselves and what we do. I would like to borrow your brain, mine hardly remembers yesterday! My son is almost six and I feel so much like me again having being a mother balanced with the rest of my life that I am fearful of loosing that when I have another as you do, especially with the constant demand of newborns! Keep roaring lovely! Thank you for linking too #stayclassymama xx

    • Winnettes
      February 26, 2017 / 1:07 pm

      Aw thank you! What a lovely comment. I will say that the brain took a lot of work. Before kids I had an amazing memory but pregnancy obliterated it…. TWICE! After my second I worked hard at building it back up, memory exercises and puzzles. I basically made it work again. It’s not as good as it was but it will do just fine. At least I can remember my 15 year old mobile number again!! 😉

  20. February 27, 2017 / 9:18 pm

    Firstly, GORGEOUS photo!

    Secondly, it can be so hard to remember who you are when you become a mother, because so much of your time and brain power and energy (and sleep!) is taken up with being one. But having a break is really important. You do what you need to do to be you 🙂 #blogcrush

    • Winnettes
      February 28, 2017 / 10:56 am

      Aw thank you! I’m a fan of that photo. I feel like I am getting more of me back every day now but it has been a long slog. I think it is one of those ‘nobody ever told me’ things for me.

  21. February 28, 2017 / 1:40 pm

    I totally get this! When I had Alice I felt that I had to be with her 24/7 and that I shouldn’t have time away. My husband and I would have the odd meal out, but only while she was sleeping. Then Holly came along and I really struggled and have done for the last 2 1/2 years. But 1 thing that I have learnt over this time, is that I need time away to recharge the mummy batteries. It makes me a better parent. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Winnettes
      February 28, 2017 / 3:14 pm

      A little child free recharge really can make all the difference. I’m glad you could relate x

  22. March 1, 2017 / 6:43 pm

    Really loved this! I’ve had such a shitty day with a toddler entering the terrible twos and my God I feel drained! I’ve already cried twice since Monday. It’s just so hard some days but yes is ok to feel that way. Xx #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Winnettes
      March 3, 2017 / 10:06 am

      Yeah it is tough. It does get better! Ellie took nearly two years to calm down which was bloody hard. And even now she has some bad days (2 this week!) but generally it is better. Plus when I think about it those two years have actually flown by. I think my favourite phrase at the moment is ‘The days are long, but the years are short’ it is so true.

  23. March 2, 2017 / 9:13 am

    I felt so overwhelmed when I had Aspen, I didn’t want to leave her with anyone, I felt so guilty if I left her and I wasn’t coping. It took me years to make time for me, or me and hubby. I got so lost in motherhood, and eventually found my voice again. I love my children more than anything, but I learnt the hard way that I matter too! #SharingTheBlogLove

    • Winnettes
      March 3, 2017 / 10:09 am

      You absolutely do matter too. It is so hard. I struggled to leave Ellie for a very long time and I think she was 18 months old before I would let her sleep over at her grandparents. It was different second time for sure. I knew how much that time helped me.

  24. March 2, 2017 / 12:11 pm

    I love this. One of the things about being a mum is working out how not to end up being defined by your children and finding time for yourself. It’s super important as we’re okay, they’re okay. #SharingtheBlogLove

    i love the photo of the lips. Did you do that or was it a great photo find?

    • Winnettes
      March 3, 2017 / 10:12 am

      I hugely believe that our mood dictates their mood so it is very important to look after our needs too. The image is from Pixabay. It is a website to get copyright free images from. I try and use my own as much as possible but sometimes I just don’t have one that suits the blog post so then I look here.

  25. March 2, 2017 / 3:02 pm

    Great post. I feel like I need a break sometimes just to do something that’s not being a mum. It’s so hard to find the right balance!

    #SharingTheBlogLove

    • Winnettes
      March 3, 2017 / 10:14 am

      I’m glad you could relate. Balance is always so hard to find, and that dreaded mum guilt doesn’t help!

  26. March 2, 2017 / 5:19 pm

    Great post. We all need a break sometimes. We have to keep time for ourselves!
    #sharingthebloglove

    • Winnettes
      March 3, 2017 / 10:15 am

      We really do! I hope you can find some time for yourself when you need it x

  27. March 2, 2017 / 9:45 pm

    Aww they are so beautiful! It is so hard to find the balance, but when you do, things flow so perfectly. I think if you’re happier, they’ll be happier! xx #sharingthebloglove

    • Winnettes
      March 3, 2017 / 10:19 am

      This is the mantra I live by. I know I cause the fractious mood more often than not!

  28. March 4, 2017 / 7:48 am

    It really is difficult not to get lost when you spend so much time dealing with and putting everyone else first. Great post! #SharingtheBlogLove

    • Winnettes
      March 5, 2017 / 4:25 pm

      Thank you! xx

  29. March 4, 2017 / 10:36 pm

    I stopped apologising for putting me first sometimes a long time ago. We all have every right to be ourselves and mothers. Since making that decision I have become a better mother, wife and human being. Great post and beautifully written. #sharingthebloglove

    • Winnettes
      March 5, 2017 / 4:28 pm

      Thank you! It is nice to know I am not the only one that finds it improves them in every way x

  30. March 6, 2017 / 3:53 pm

    I’m in agreement with you. I have the girls 24/7 so when hubby is off work I go window shopping. Hubby says take one of them but I refuse he’s more than capable of looking after them too. #sharingthebloglove

    • Winnettes
      March 10, 2017 / 9:39 am

      Yes he is! That time alone is so vital. I find my husband often takes the ‘easier’ child, whichever one that is at the time and I’m left with the tantrums… I’ve been working on that recently x

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