I regularly find myself looking through old family photos; photos of Ellie as a baby and pre Trixie’s arrival; photos of Trixie as a baby. The photos of Trixie as a baby I have obviously seen before but this week I realised I have never seen them before. I have hardly any photos of just Trixie. Most of the photos I have of the girls are of both of them. This isn’t because I have an unhealthy obsession with my eldest, or because I don’t want her to feel left out of anything. It is because these two daughters of mine are close. Closer than close actually, they are best friends not just sisters.
The Perfect Age Gap
I’m sorry if this sounds like a brag. It isn’t. I know many Mum’s who struggle to help their kids find a sibling balance. I know not all siblings get on this well and I know many people hope to find that ‘perfect age gap’ to help form a bond like my two kids have (they are 23 months apart if you are wondering). I guess I accidentally stumbled on our ‘perfect’. Perhaps it is the age gap? Perhaps Ellie was at the perfect development stage to have a sibling enter our family? Or perhaps they would have always been this close no matter when Trixie was born? I will never know, I just get to enjoy the laughter. I get to enjoy walking into a room to see them snuggled up to each other and I get to enjoy watching them go to each other for comfort from their pain. I hear ‘I love you Trixie’ and ‘I love you too, Ehyiee’ and it absolutely makes my heart melt.
When I was pregnant with Trixie I suffered with the most horrific mum guilt. I worried that Ellie would struggle not having me to herself anymore, or that I had made a selfish decision wanting another baby. Honestly some of the things I thought about don’t bare putting into words. Of course now I know it has been the best decision I ever made but hindsight is a fine thing.
A New Chapter
Now Ellie is starting school this September and we are all faced with a new chapter. But as I write ‘we are all’ I know it is true, so why did I only realise that this morning? I have been so focused on how school is going to effect Ellie; worrying about if she will settle in ok (of course she will), how quickly she is going to develop into a proper little lady and how that will change her. I have been focused on how I will feel having my first child go to school, how sad it makes me to think of her growing up and how much I miss those little toddler days. I think about how emotional I was when she first tried on her school uniform.
But what about Trixie? I forgot about Trixie.
I Am Sorry I Forgot About You!
I am sorry I forgot about you Trixie baby. I am sorry that I forgot how much you are going to miss Ellie when she is at school. You will be loosing your best friend, your playmate and your sister in September and I didn’t even spare you a second thought.
You are so tough and feisty, you are strong minded and strong willed. I have never known a toddler so determined and with an incredible ability to solve problems. You can be shy but also so confident. However, I forget how much you channel strength from your sister. You follow Ellie’s lead and she has guided you through your first two and half years like the best big sister she is. But now you need to learn to come to me. Monday to Friday you will need to learn from me, you won’t be able to ask Ellie for guidance.
I am sorry you don’t start preschool for another year, you won’t even have that distraction. It is just you and me kiddo and I am sorry I didn’t realise sooner how sad you are going to be without Ellie. You were always the one to cry when we dropped Ellie off at preschool. Ellie would bounce in with a huge smile and you would cry to go and get her back. One day you cried the whole 5 hours she was there! Quietly sobbing into your beaker and muzzie until we went and got her. I have always stupidly and naively labelled this behaviour as cute. But it is not cute, these are genuinely strong feelings that I have neglected to account for.
I am sorry and I promise over the next coming months I will do my best to make the transition easy for you as well as her. I am sorry I forgot about you before, it won’t happen again.