I have made no secret about the fact that I don’t work anymore and even less of a secret that it was a financial motivation. It was hard to give up on Nursing. I worked my butt off to get that qualification in the first place and I guess I just thought I would always be a nurse. It wasn’t to be. After having Trix, our second child, we quickly realised that my salary was not enough to cover the cost of two children in childcare for a year. And yes, that included the 15 hours free that Ellie was entitled to. Nurses get paid jack s**t. Seriously they do! I have been a stay at home mum for 18 months now and, to tell the truth, I am really missing work.
It was right for us
Hubby and I discussed our decision the other day and why it was the right one for us. With me at work doing 12-14 hour days he would have to be on hand to do the school runs. His work requires flexible travel. He could not have the job he has, the job that supports our family and pays all of the bills if he had to help out with the school run twice a week. We cannot support our family on my nurses wage. Not even close! So for that reason alone it has been the right decision.
I don’t doubt Hubby would like some of the financial strain lifted from him alone but unless I find a job that is only ever within school hours then that can’t happen. One day I will work again. As the girls get older I am able to see the opportunity for available hours and I have started to think about other things I can do; baking my cakes, taking this blog to another level.
For now I am just trying to keep my brain busy. My brain likes to be busy. I like to learn, to develop. If my brain starts to relax then I start to get anxious. Instead of using my brain power productively it starts over thinking and analysing. I miss the mental stimulation work used to offer.
I know I am lucky
Don’t get me wrong. I know how lucky I am to be able to stay at home with my girls, I know I am lucky to be able to attend all of my daughters school shows and parents evenings. Next week her school is having a harvest festival celebration at the local church. Ellie has been practicing her songs every day at home, she is so excited. It is on Tuesday. I used to work Tuesdays. If I was still working I would not be able to go as there wasn’t enough notice for me to have booked it off. Of course I can go and I don’t have to spend my day at work feeling guilty that I have let my little girl down in some way.
I don’t have it worse than you
This isn’t meant to be a post of ‘I have it worse than you’, because I don’t. Working parents, be in part time or full time, have their own challenges and their own guilt to overcome. The thing is, people often think I have it better. They think it would be amazing to be able to stay home with the kids and not have to feel guilty about working and leaving them in childcare. Well it isn’t. I still feel guilty but about other things. I feel guilty that they don’t get the learning opportunities that childcare offers and I feel guilty that I am setting a bad example by not working. On top of that I can feel my brain turning to mush. My brain doesn’t get used like it used to, and as with anything that doesn’t get exercised, it gets tired and weary. My body is tired and weary. I am not the best version of me that I know I can be and a lot of that is from not working.
That is partly why I blog. There is only so much Netflix that can fill boredom. I needed a creative outlet, a place to exercise some form of thought beyond the four walls of the house. The bottom line is, if I had earned more as a nurse I would still be working.