A little while ago I wrote the A-Z of Parenthood. I really enjoyed righting it and thought it was something I would definitely like to do a few more posts along those lines. Todays little snippet is all about toddlers.
A is for Attitude. I think they do this to prepare us for their teenage years. If I am right about this I am in for one hell of a ride when the girls get older!
B is for Bits. Call them what you will, penis, vagina, willy, winky, foof. They will be discussed and puzzles over for years. If you are lucky you won’t need to discuss the anatomical differences of a man and a woman in length and at great audible volume in the supermarket on a busy Saturday morning.
C is for Crying. There is lots of crying in a week in our house, not always from the toddlers but they usually play a huge dramatic part in the whole saga.
D is for Dirty. Everything is dirty and everyone is dirty. Literally, where does it come from? There is no point in having anything white, clothes, bedding or walls. Seriously just get rid of it now and save yourself the inevitable heartache of your precious belongings being ruined.
E is for Escape Plan. I am sure I always strap them in tightly to car seats, high chairs and the like….
F is for Flatulence. Ok, so I admit… I almost always laugh when the girls trump. I mean how can someone so little and dainty make such a noise?
G is for Growing. They grow so fast both physically and mentally. Things are no longer safe on the top shelf so they have either grown or have developed go go gadget arms! Realistically either scenario is possible.
H is for Hungry. I|s there ever a moment in the day they don’t claim to be hungry? No, seriously… I’m actually asking.
I is for Illness. It is everywhere all of the time. I swear toddlers have constant snotty noses. I thought winter colds were supposed to be confined to the winter?
J is for Jekyll and Hyde. I refuse to believe this applies to just my two (tell me it isn’t just my two…). One minute they are fine, lovely, kind, gentle and happy little girls. The next I honestly wonder if they have been possessed by a demon. And hubby says I am hormonal! BAAAAHAHAHA is he in for a shock when the girls hit their teens.
K is for Knees. Was there ever a time where they weren’t bruised or grazed?
L is for Licking. Why do they need to lick EVERYTHING?
M is for Manners. We all try to teach them… All we can hope is when they grow up they are no longer burping, nose picking, tantruming human beings.
N is for Naptime. Oh I love naptime. I have never understood those mums who say they miss their children whilst they are napping. Seriously get over it, because once that nap time disappears forever it will be too late to appreciate it. Have a hot cup of tea, put a film on with Tom Hardy in it and enjoy that time!
O is for Orange. Their face and cloths are permanently orange. I’m not sure why they haven’t eaten anything orange for weeks now?
P is for Persuasion. Never will your skills of persuasion, or the toddler’s skills, be strong than at bedtime!
Q is for Questions. I don’t have the scientific data to back this up but I believe the average toddler can ask an average of 157,896.75 questions per day.
R is for Repetition. If you have toddlers I don’t need to elaborate on this one!
S is for Soft play. You can try and avoid it but eventually you will wake up one morning and think ‘We haven’t been in ages, why is that? Let’s go, it will be good to let the kids burn off some energy.’ Then you will get there and you will remember why you haven’t been in ages!
T is for Toilet. One day this won’t be my most frequented part of the house. If it isn’t them every 5 minutes, it is me (thanks for the weakened bladder), and I obviously require an entourage… ‘What do you mean you don’t want an audience in the loo, Mummy? You’re so silly!’
U is for Up. They want to be picked up all the time. When you are walking, when you are cooking, when you are trying to drink hot tea. Maybe it is just mine but both of them seem to have an extreme aversion to keeping their feet on the ground for any length of time.
V is for Victory. It is all about the little victories.
W is for Washing. So at the last head count there were only four of us living in this house. So where the actual fudge does all of the washing come from?
X is for eXtraction (ok I have taken a little poetic licence on this one). At some point you are going to need to extract a foreign object of some form from an orifice or two. It’s less a case of ‘balance of probability’ and more a case of ‘inevitable certainty’.
Y is for Yuk. Everything you make to eat or suggest eating is ‘Yuk’ and yet for some reason mud is the most appealing food group known to a toddler! I mean FFS.
Z is for Zoom. Everything* gets done at 100 mph. And be suspicious or fearful of anything that doesn’t!
*Getting ready to leave the house can only be conducted at snails pace. It is exempt from this rule.